Red One Pre-Review
You’d think, with Dwayne Johnson and Chris Evans topping the marquee, “Red One” would have been a no-brainer. As it happens, even The Rock can’t muscle this holiday mess into something remotely watchable. This flick tries handsome Christmas cheer and action-packed thrills together but comes a cropper at both.
A Plot as Thin as Dollar Store Gift Wrap
It follows Johnson as Callum Drift, a highly trained operative working for a shadowy group tasked with protecting Santa’s workshop. When a renegade elf threatens to ruin Christmas, Drift is reluctantly paired with none other than a foul-mouthed CIA agent, Jack O’Malley, played by Evans. What develops is an incoherent jumble of explosions, elf puns, and really atrociously unfunny quips.
CGI Coal in Your Stocking
For a film at this budget, the effects are shockingly subpar. The North Pole appears to have been cobbled together from leftover “Polar Express” assets, and the action sequences have all the excitement of a deflated bounce house.
Performance: No Holiday Miracle Here
Johnson and Evans struggle gamefully with the material, but their newfound charm feels forced. What was once interplay now sounds like a series of setup jokes, and you can practically see them counting the zeroes on their paychecks. The poor fare is gotten by the supporting cast—all talented actors—particularly Kiernan Shipka, wasted in thankless roles.
A Lump of Coal in the Director’s Stocking
Jake Kasdan, who hit pay dirt with the “Jumanji” reboots, seems quite lost at the reins here. With pacing that is aberrant, swerving from mad action to saccharine sentiment without much of a groove, it’s a harder sell.
Verdict: Stick to the Classics
“Red One” is dying to be a new holiday classic; it’ll be forgotten quicker than last year’s fruitcake. Save your money and watch “Die Hard” or “Elf” again. This is one Christmas gift you’ll want to return.
Box Office Blues: A Lump of Coal for the Studio
With that marquee lineup and a marketing budget the size of a small nation’s GNP, “Red One” is going to be one of the year’s biggest bombs. This past weekend, its opening barely broke the magic $15 million barrier in the States. Guess people aren’t biting at what Johnson and Evans are serving up this time.
Soundtrack That’ll Have You Reaching for Earplugs
But if the visuals weren’t bad enough, the soundtrack is like getting coal in your ears. Generic pop renditions of Christmas classics clash with bombastic action music in such a way as to create an auditory mess that will leave one wishing for silent nights.
Missed Opportunities
The premise of a secret organization protecting Christmas holds some possibilities, and a few of the action set pieces—like a sleigh chase through New York—are intriguing. But these flashes are far and few between, drowned out by all the clichés and misfires.
The Bottom Line: A Turkey for Christmas
In its rush to be all things to all people—an action flick, a comedy, a heartwarming holiday tale—”Red One” becomes none of those. It’s a text case of too many cooks in the kitchen and ends up being a half-baked holiday disaster.
Even die-hard fans of Johnson and Evans may wish to avoid this one. “Red One” shows that, with star power, not everything turns to gold sometimes—it’s just a piece of coal.
